i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
