I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
