sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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