that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
