When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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