So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
