Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
