I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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