am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
