he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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