I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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