Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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