And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
