$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
