I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Michael Bay diarrhea
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
