You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
