Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
