Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
