my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
