You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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