I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
