She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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