Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
