Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
