I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
