remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
