Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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