I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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