Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize