Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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