If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
