no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
