no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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