I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
