i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
