So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
