There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
FUCK WHALES
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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