this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
