It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
