This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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