He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
