i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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