my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
