Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
