I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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