The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
