I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
