Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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