things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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