There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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