he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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