remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
