so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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