Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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