you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are my feet made of real feet?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
