I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
