Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
