question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
