I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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