and she was petting her beer can
I cut my penus on the lid.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
