fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm always down for nudity.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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